I was asked to speak at a WEAVE fundraiser. Here's what I said:

Here is how I knew I wasn’t a victim of domestic violence:

• I’m educated on the topic. In college, I studied domestic violence and raised thousands of dollars for WEAVE, My Sister’s Place, and House of Ruth.
• I am physically and emotionally very strong.
• I have a PhD and a successful career.
• After my husband threw a Brita pitcher full of water at my head, he told me it was no big deal.After my husband threatened to kill me, we went to a therapist and he explained to her and me that he’d never hurt me and never would.
• When my husband had a fit of rage at another therapists office, our therapist told me it was time to leave because he had another couple coming in, but if I felt unsafe I should wait a few minutes in the bathroom for my husband to calm down.
• When my husband slammed me against the wall, wouldn’t let me move, and yelled “Call the f’ing police you manipulative bitch”, our nanny and her husband were right there. (How bad could it have been?)
• When I’d tell people I fear for my safety and that’s why I asked my husband to move out they would say (and I’m not kidding) “but you are so much bigger than him, you could just sit on him.” (I got that on at least 3 occasions).
• When I went a lawyer about what to do next and she told me to go home and make nice because I didn’t really have a very good case. She said the best thing I could do was provoke him to hit me again and then call the police to improve my chances.

I knew I wasn’t a victim of domestic violence, but I started checking terms on google like “How do I know if I am a victim of domestic violence” and “Signs of domestic violence.”

I knew I wasn’t a victim of domestic violence, but one cold, January day about a year ago, I dropped my son at daycare, pulled into a CVS parking lot and made a call that would change my life. I called WEAVE.

“I have a crazy question,” I said, hearing the jangling in my voice as my vocal chords shattered like breakaway glass with every word. “I just, I’m not sure who to ask for, I just want to know if my, um, my situation qualifies… qualifies as domestic violence. I don’t think my situation counts but I’d just like to check, in case I’m missing something. Is there someone I could talk to?”

And there was.

Later that night, I went to a free legal clinic. In the lobby there was a Japanese mother and daughter. The daughter was 9, very precocious and chatty. Her mom was beautifully dressed in designer clothes, didn’t speak a word of English, and didn’t have a US passport. Her daughter told me she went to boarding school in California. I wondered what might have brought them to this legal clinic. Next to me was a woman who reminded me of my mother. She had a wedding ring, short, salt and pepper hair, and looked like she worked on 17^th and K.

“This is who comes to a free legal clinic?” I thought. My laptop, blackberry and I somehow fit in.

I waited a few minutes and then met with a lawyer named Tracy. I told her my situation and then asked my question… “Do I qualify? Does this count as domestic violence? I’ve talked to a lot of people and the jury is split but I’m sure I don’t I mean I’m sorry to have wasted your – ”

She cut me off. “This is a guy that is all about control. Have you seen the cycle of violence?” I hadn’t and she showed me. “With guys like this, the good times can be good, and that’s why it’s easy to get confused.” She pulled out a huge photocopied book and plunked it on the crowded desk. “Here’s the statute she said. Read it yourself.”

How had I missed it?

5 ½ years after he threw the pitcher. 2 ½ years after he threatened to tie me up, cover me with lighter fluid and set me and our house on fire. 3 months after he first physically hurt me. I was scooped up in the arms of WEAVE and carried to the starting line of my journey to wholeness. A journey in which I’ve had to give up everything I thought I knew about domestic violence and start over. The first step was letting go of the idea domestic violence happens to other people. The second, was fully accepting it happened to me. And if WEAVE weren’t around, I believe it would have escalated even further.

And that’s why I’m here tonight, to share my story and to help make sure WEAVE will be there to give someone else the support and confidence they need to let go of what they know and start accepting what is.

I am a victim of domestic violence, but I am not weak. WEAVE just helped me connect to my strength, get safe, and move on. I can’t imagine how much longer that would have taken without them and every day I look in my little boys eyes and know we are safe, I am grateful to all WEAVE has done for us.

WEAVE saved my life.

Please help save WEAVE.

I'm a successful executive. For years (2 to be exact) my husband threatened to kill me and to steal my child. Eventually he started physically hurting me as well. When I'd had enough, I went to a lawyer. The answers I got were long, complicated, expensive, and included a lot of concessions I wasn't willing to make.

I remembered donating to WEAVE once as part of a production of the Vagina Monologues. I never thought I would need to call them. I didn't think WEAVE services were for people like me. Frankly, I wasn't aware that strong, smart successful people could be victims of domestic violence. It had become achingly clear, however, that I was wrong.

Shaking and hiding in my car in a CVS parking lot, I called WEAVE. That phone call was like grabbing on to a lifeboat when you are drowning in a wide ocean of fear and uncertainty.

In days, I had met with an incredibly helpful lawyer for free, had filed a restraining order at the court house, and got sole temporary custody of my son. A WEAVE volunteer sat with me through all the court proceedings and called me periodically to check in on me.

I felt guilty using their services because I felt like my abuse was so minor compared to the other people I met while working with WEAVE. But repeatedly they told me that I was a victim and they were determined to help -- that domestic abuse might come in degrees, but their services didn't.

I promised myself when it was all over I would donate $100 a month to WEAVE. It's not all over. I hadn't started donating. And now I am riddled with guilt for not supporting the organization that saved me sooner.

Please help save WEAVE.

For more - see this article in the Washington Post: http://bit.ly/Dl0ip

Basil the Cat: RIP

5/23/2003 - 9/11/2009

Basil was 16+ and had a full life. He lived in Alexandria, Washington DC, Connecticut, Arlington, and Reston. He was mostly an indoor cat but in the last year got to check off 'spend time outside' from his bucket list.

He was not a huge fan of toddlers but was never aggressive with them (just aloof). He loved garlic, tobacco, and coffee breath. He also loved bumping his chin into your knee while you were sitting on the toilet. He did not like bathroom doors to be closed. His happiest years were 2003-2005 when he fell madly in love with Rachan (my ex) but before we were distracted by Jesse.

The night before he passed, he was playing and purring. He was never sick. He died peacefully and looked like he was sleeping though my guess is he his heart stopped as he had a moderate heart murmur.

Basil got me through some dark scary days in my 20s when I was very lonely. I remember one day after a particularly rough break-up, holding Basil and crying hysterically for hours until his fur was soaked, but he didn't leave my side. He always seemed to know when you needed him to be around and he'd saddle right up beside you.

In the passed few years, between having a kid, moving 4 times, and getting a divorce, Basil dropped down a few rungs as a priority in my life. In fact, the script had flipped and he had started needing me more than I needed him. I don't think he enjoyed the change and I know he is at peace now that the fight for my attention is finally over. And I think he knows, in his own way, he actually did win.

Relapse is part of the Treatment

I heard this interview on NPR I think where the guy being interviewed was saying that he was an alcoholic. It took him years to recover and it didn't happen until he accepted that relapse is part of the treatment. Maybe it was Diane Rehm or This American Life on podcast. Anyway, the line struck me. What if RELAPSE was a good thing? Or at least not a bad one. What if RELAPSE itself was a necessary part of the journey. What if it's required? It was a comforting thought but I worried it was weak or selfish or indulgent.

I made a mental note to blog on it but promptly dropped the idea. Until I read Brooke Castillo's blog today and then it all slipped together. She wrote:

For a while, your pattern may look like this:

Get the hang of it
See the cool result in your life
Screw it all up completely by checking out
Get the hang of it (again)

This time when I gained weight back it didn't feel like evidence that I suck. But it sure was interesting. This time I was willing to do it again and again and again. Willing to participate in my life instead of, as my friend Jen says, sitting back with a bucket of popcorn and watching the movie that has become my life.

So my relapse is part of my treatment. This isn't weak - because it takes a lot of strength to stay engaged and connected, especially in the face of what could be considered failure. It isn't selfish - because I know I give the best of myself when I take care of myself first. And it sure isn't indulgent because welcoming relapse as a part of the treatment, while more gentle than other approaches, is more likely to bring more positive results.

But most of all relapse just is. It's a part of my journey. A journey on which I am committed to keeping my eyes and my heart open.

How things work out

It's funny how things work out with weight loss. Or any big challenge, I guess. You are working really hard and not getting results and someone suggests you stop trying so hard. That's really an infuriating suggestion because of the thought "If I don't continue to try hard, I will not succeed." It's a Bodhi tree like mystery which your busy brain rejects loudly. But then, like a geometry problem you step away from, the answer arrives at your door - all unassuming - and smacks you over the head with a sort of sweet, "how the heck did you miss that?"

I started working with Brooke Castillo, weight loss coach, in April 2007. I had a 1-year-old baby and had not lost most of the 85 lbs. I gained while pregnant. In 8 months, from April to November, I lost over 70 lbs. with Brooke, going from 296 (!) to about 220. My goal was to be 149 lbs by December 2009. In December 2007, stepped up my work outs often working out twice a day and burning upwards of 1500 calories a day! And I was committed to losing weight by eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full. I never counted a calorie. But once increased my exercise, I stopped losing weight.

All that exercise made me hungry! I worked out through the holidays but I probably ate too much. Then I got pneumonia and bronchitis, but I kept working out. I completed 3 triathlons. I was more fit than ever and while I stopped losing weight, I did drop another dress size to a size 16. I was told by my trainer I was gaining muscle and not to worry.

I went to a weight loss retreat and realized, all my muscle wasn't the problem. I was simply eating too much. Brooke coached me about planning joy eats and only having one small serving of high fat food a day. IMPOSSIBLE I proclaimed. We had done this "plan your joy" routine before. There was simply no way for me to plan to eat a brownie and that that was going to stop me from eating a cookie if someone brought them into the office.


And then we did an exercise where I saw clearly that the problem was my incapacity to try harder. The story I told my self was I was working harder than anyone could work. And I had a lot of evidence this was true. And if this wasn't enough, then I quit.

And so I did. From November 07 to July 08 I maintained 220 lbs. But when I got back from the retreat, I quit. Six months later, I ballooned back up to 290! Little by little the pounds piled back on but my attitude remained strong. This was a conscious life choice and not the result of negative thinking. It was the result of thinking. Period. And the thought was this, "I would rather be fat than work this hard."

And low and behold that reality was created! (My thoughts are powerful that way.)

There was magic in that decision. A magic to create my own destiny. A magic to create my own body. A magic to chose my future. But it's not a 1-way magic.

So now I find myself wanting another baby.

My divorce is still in process. I am flat broke. I can live in this fat body, but it has a really big downside. It won't ovulate. Which means I can't make another baby. With no money for fertility treatments and no legal possibility of adoption until the divorce is final, the only way for me to make a baby is with known donor sperm (got it!) and working ovaries.

I've got to lose 50 lbs to get my ovaries in order. I'd like to lose more than that. And the clock is ticking. I'm 36.

So I asked myself a question that Brooke asked me once: "What can you do?"

Weight loss surgery.
- Not covered by insurance

Jenny Craig.
- Ditto on the money

Starve myself.
- Never happen

Plan healthy meals?
.... hmmm.... I COULD do this one.

And so for the past 2 weeks I have been planning my meals, logging my food, exercising (of course!) and losing weight - down 8 lbs so far.

This process of packaging a weeks worth of meals and snacks on Sunday has made it as easy to stick to my own plan as it was to stick to Jenny Craig (but it's a lot cheaper.) Still until today I felt like I was on a diet. Lose enough weight to have a baby and then deal with life as a fat person again.

But today something hit me. Back when I was plateaued at 220 lbs., my biggest problem was eating too much. I said I was eating 1800 calories but that's what my target was. I actually never measured calories and I stopped journaling my food. In retrospect I was probably eating more than 1800 calories and I was eating a lot of non-fuel foods. What I never really did, was take full responsibility for what I ate. In fact, I claimed (thought, believed, decided) what I ate was out of my control. I took control of exercise, but I wanted the food piece of the equasion to come together on its own. Our accountant having chocolate in his office and our new CEO having lunch catered every day was interfering with my plan.

The secret to losing weight, it turns out, isn't eating less and exercising more. The secret is asking yourself: "What CAN I do to take care of myself despite the obstacles life is guaranteed to throw my way?" The answer always leads to eating less and exercising more, but it won't feel like a chore. It will feel like Christmas.

Enough is Enough - STARVE-A-THON

I'm sick of watching this genocide in Darfur year after year and doing nothing about it. An estimated 2.7 million people have been displaced and more than 400,000 have been killed since 2003. Not since the Rwandan genocide of 1994 has the world seen such a calculated campaign of displacement, starvation, rape and mass slaughter. Recently, most of the humanitarian aid groups were expelled and Sudanese aid organizations forcibly closed. This has created increasingly precarious conditions for the internally-displaced camp dwellers.

That's why I'm going on a hunger strike.

I am joining Richard Branson, Mia Farrow, Jon Foreman of Switchfoot and 4.7 million Darfuris who are fasting without option. I'll fast 1 day for every $500 I raise to Save Darfur. You can contribute on your own at savedarfur.org (and forward me the receipt) or send your donation to me at angela lauria | 6600 2nd st nw | washington DC 20012

If you have any questions about why I am doing this - ask me - or visit fastdarfur.org. I also think you'll find Richard Branson's video about his fast enlightening.

Thanks for your support,
Angela

p.s. I think one of the most powerful ways to truly understand what it is like to be Darfuri in the face of possible attack by Janjaweed militias is to play the VIDEO GAME Darfur is Dying.

Where have I been?

Lots of folks have asked me where I have been since June. Frankly it's a question I have been asking myself too. I can give you all the reasons I have been too busy to blog and you'll believe me:
- My husband and I separated. While my mother-in-law was living with us.
- I've been negotiating custody of our 2 1/2 year old. Still unsettled in my mind.
- I have welcomed into my home - my nanny, her husband and her 18 month old; a 17-year-old high school exchange student from Argentina who's here for a year; and a friend's husband who has been living with us during the weeks.
- The company I work for was bought. I got a promotion and (just for fun) a demotion. However, I believe I saved my job.
- I have been on 6 work trips in Chicago, Las Vegas, New York and Dallas.
- My commute went from 5 minutes to 45 minutes in May and in November went from 45 minutes to an hour and 15 minutes.

I am sure there is more but this is a lot of what I have been dealing with.

I decided that divorce, custody, and saving my job were more important than taking care of myself and consequently stopped going to the gym and completely stopped questioning negative beliefs. The great part of this experience was a vivid consciousness that this was what I was doing.

"Oh," I'd think. "I am choosing to neglect myself, interesting." And then I would go on with the business of self-neglect.

I'd see a book or magazine article about self-care and think: "hmmm, I know how to do that, wonder why I'd not."

But I never tried to break the cycle. I just tried to watch it. Until one day, I packed a lunch and headed to the gym. Not exciting or dramatic. No epiphany. I just WANTED to take care of myself again. And that's how it's been the past few weeks. Delicious self care, more of me to go around, and incredible amazement at how the mind is mastered.

Anyway I saw this great article today about a woman who has lost 175lbs and this advice from her blog completely reminded me of what I have learned about myself in my weight loss journey.

{EXCERPTED}

Things I've learned about losing weight:

* Workout everyday no matter what. Even when you are tired and are feeling bad. Those are your best workout days, you have more energy and feel better after your workout.

* Count calories and write everything down. Writing everything down makes you accountable. One of the links I have is an excel spreadsheet to calculate how much you eat at each meal and how many calories you eat each day. I own a scale that you can input a code for different foods and it tells you how many calories are in them. It takes figuring the calories out for yourself out of the equation.

* Drink half your weight in ounces of water per day. For example: if you weigh 200 pounds you need to drink 100 ounces of water per day. I marked my water bottles in the beginning to keep track of how much water I had drank.(Yes I recycle the bottles.)

* Stay away from salt and processed foods. Use fresh as much as you possible.

* If you can't be honest with other people, be honest with yourself. Sometimes it is the hardest thing you have to do.

* Ask for help if you need it. People are so willing to be part of the success, that they will help you as much as they can. There are some people who will sabotage you. If you have them in your life, tell them how you feel and if it doesn't change, limit your time with them as much as possible.

* Write a journal and take pictures. You will be so happy you did. When you don't see a difference in the mirror, you can look back at where you used to be. It also works when you put your beginning picture side by side with your now picture.

* If you go off your program get right back on. Don't wait until tomorrow, or Monday, just do it after you take a breath, and don't beat yourself up for it. No one is perfect.

* There are only bad excuses not to workout.

* Once you set your foot in the gym, everything else takes care of itself.

* If you are not sweating, you're not pushing yourself hard enough.

* I will have to work on my program the rest of my life. There are no shortcuts to healthy living.

* Being obese is so much harder than getting fit.

* Let the world see who you are under all the protection you wear.