5th annual Purple Thursday Awareness Day -- I am the 1 in 4

I was invited by WEAVE and the DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence's press conference to mark the 5th annual Purple Thursday Awareness Day. The event was co-hosted with At-Large Councilmember Kwame Brown and I was so impressed that 5 other council members (David Catania, Phil Mendelson, Mary Cheh, Harry Thomas, Jr., and Yvette Alexander) also spoke. I was asked to represent domestic violence survivors.

Here's what I said:

When I first started speaking about my experience as a victim of domestic violence, I thought my story was unique. Over the past 2 years, I’ve met other survivors and heard other stories and realized my story was more common than I ever expected.

My husband and I had a whirlwind romance, so when he threw a full Brita pitcher at my head when we were engaged, I was concerned, but excused it as a bad day.

When he threw my suitcase across the room and kicked a chair the night before our wedding, I took comfort in my wedding party’s theories of cold feet and wedding stress.

His actions were harder to dismiss when he threatened to tie me up and set the house on fire if I didn’t do what he wanted, and my excuses ran out when his rage lead to a life threatening car ride in a snow storm, with our baby in the back and my husband shouting “our son’s safety isn’t what’s important here. What’s important is that you stop the car and left me drive.” Still, I didn’t think it was domestic violence, I just thought it was a bad marriage.

When my husband's emotional abuse and controlling behavior became apparent, I knew exactly what to do - looked for experts to help.

• We completed a year of therapy together with an experienced LCSW specializing in relationships.

• I read lots of self-help books.

• And I got a personal trainer and started taking self-defense classes – just in case.


When I felt I'd tried my best, but the problem wasn't getting 'fixed' and staying was not safe or healthy for me or my baby, I knew what to do – I moved out.

When it got MORE Violent - physically violent - after I moved out, I was shocked. Suddenly and for the first time, I DIDN’T know what to do. I never imagined moving out would make it worse. I thought that was going to fix things. Still, I'm educated and engaged, I sought legal and emotional support. My assumption was I could throw money at the problem and make it stop and I was fine with that.

I hired:
• a $550/hr Bethesda-based attorney suggested I invite him over, provoke him to hit me, and then call the police

• a couples counselor - a phd - who suggested when I felt scared my husband might kill me, that I lock myself in the bathroom or take a walk around the block to let him calm down.

• and when I asked my handsome, successful well-educated boss, our company's CEO, what he would do; he suggested that since I was so much bigger than my husband, I try sitting on him the next time he tried to hurt me.

In the past, I had made a donation to WEAVE as an organizer of the V-DAY campaign at GWU, but I never imagined using WEAVE's services. At this point, however, I'd run out of high-priced experts to call. So when I called WEAVE one cold, morning in January 2009, I didn’t think my situation qualified for their help, I just wanted to see who they would suggest I talk to. Despite my lack of financial need, my successful career, or my many advanced degrees, they nominated themselves to help without hesitation.

Later that day I was at a WEAVE legal clinic and within a week had a temporary restraining order against my husband and an attorney with experience in DV law.

While the case continues to work its way through DC Superior court, I have turned to WEAVE for support again and again. When my legal bills crossed the $50,000 threshold and I lost my job (due in part to time missed at work because of hearings and my inability to travel for work due to custody issues), I turned to WEAVE for mental health support and again they came through with 1 year of counseling with an amazing social worker who really understands my situation and the cycle of violence.

Without the holistic and need-blind services of WEAVE, I don't honestly know if I'd be alive today. The journey is hard and long and it continues, but I believe WEAVE's services have delivered me to the starting line in my own life. My life and my son's happiness are daily celebrations of Domestic Violence Awareness and the services WEAVE provides to this community.

Vote for WEAVE - Make A Donation without Spending a Dime

I just voted for the charity 'Women Empowered Against Violence' to help their chances of receiving $1 from every 2010 Lilith Music Festival concert ticket sale in Washington, DC - Aug. 3.

As many of you know, I full credit WEAVE with saving my life. Not only did they help me figure out how to get away from my abuser, but they have continued to support me with the most amazing social worker who I am seeing weekly throughout the legal processes associated with my situation at no cost.

The no cost part is key because I am spending tens of thousands on my lawyer! Yet again, WEAVE was there for me when I needed them. I am so grateful to my friends and readers who have donated to WEAVE at my urging in the past. There are so many organizations and needs out there but WEAVE is very special and here is a way to help that won't cost you a dine.

It's a little complicated so please spread the word linking back to this post for more detailed instructions.


1. Become a fan of Lilith Fare on Facebook by visiting http://www.facebook.com/lilithfairtour?v=app_113475738667907 and clicking the LIKE button.

2. Selection Washington DC Aug. 3 from the list of cities.

3. Select Women Empowered Against Violence from the list of charities.




If WEAVE gets the most votes of the 5 groups in Washington DC, they will get $1 of every DC ticket sale! It's money desperately needed by WEAVE so that other women like me can escape violence situations and get the legal and emotional help they need.

Please join me in voting for a great cause!

I was asked to speak at a WEAVE fundraiser. Here's what I said:

Here is how I knew I wasn’t a victim of domestic violence:

• I’m educated on the topic. In college, I studied domestic violence and raised thousands of dollars for WEAVE, My Sister’s Place, and House of Ruth.
• I am physically and emotionally very strong.
• I have a PhD and a successful career.
• After my husband threw a Brita pitcher full of water at my head, he told me it was no big deal.After my husband threatened to kill me, we went to a therapist and he explained to her and me that he’d never hurt me and never would.
• When my husband had a fit of rage at another therapists office, our therapist told me it was time to leave because he had another couple coming in, but if I felt unsafe I should wait a few minutes in the bathroom for my husband to calm down.
• When my husband slammed me against the wall, wouldn’t let me move, and yelled “Call the f’ing police you manipulative bitch”, our nanny and her husband were right there. (How bad could it have been?)
• When I’d tell people I fear for my safety and that’s why I asked my husband to move out they would say (and I’m not kidding) “but you are so much bigger than him, you could just sit on him.” (I got that on at least 3 occasions).
• When I went a lawyer about what to do next and she told me to go home and make nice because I didn’t really have a very good case. She said the best thing I could do was provoke him to hit me again and then call the police to improve my chances.

I knew I wasn’t a victim of domestic violence, but I started checking terms on google like “How do I know if I am a victim of domestic violence” and “Signs of domestic violence.”

I knew I wasn’t a victim of domestic violence, but one cold, January day about a year ago, I dropped my son at daycare, pulled into a CVS parking lot and made a call that would change my life. I called WEAVE.

“I have a crazy question,” I said, hearing the jangling in my voice as my vocal chords shattered like breakaway glass with every word. “I just, I’m not sure who to ask for, I just want to know if my, um, my situation qualifies… qualifies as domestic violence. I don’t think my situation counts but I’d just like to check, in case I’m missing something. Is there someone I could talk to?”

And there was.

Later that night, I went to a free legal clinic. In the lobby there was a Japanese mother and daughter. The daughter was 9, very precocious and chatty. Her mom was beautifully dressed in designer clothes, didn’t speak a word of English, and didn’t have a US passport. Her daughter told me she went to boarding school in California. I wondered what might have brought them to this legal clinic. Next to me was a woman who reminded me of my mother. She had a wedding ring, short, salt and pepper hair, and looked like she worked on 17^th and K.

“This is who comes to a free legal clinic?” I thought. My laptop, blackberry and I somehow fit in.

I waited a few minutes and then met with a lawyer named Tracy. I told her my situation and then asked my question… “Do I qualify? Does this count as domestic violence? I’ve talked to a lot of people and the jury is split but I’m sure I don’t I mean I’m sorry to have wasted your – ”

She cut me off. “This is a guy that is all about control. Have you seen the cycle of violence?” I hadn’t and she showed me. “With guys like this, the good times can be good, and that’s why it’s easy to get confused.” She pulled out a huge photocopied book and plunked it on the crowded desk. “Here’s the statute she said. Read it yourself.”

How had I missed it?

5 ½ years after he threw the pitcher. 2 ½ years after he threatened to tie me up, cover me with lighter fluid and set me and our house on fire. 3 months after he first physically hurt me. I was scooped up in the arms of WEAVE and carried to the starting line of my journey to wholeness. A journey in which I’ve had to give up everything I thought I knew about domestic violence and start over. The first step was letting go of the idea domestic violence happens to other people. The second, was fully accepting it happened to me. And if WEAVE weren’t around, I believe it would have escalated even further.

And that’s why I’m here tonight, to share my story and to help make sure WEAVE will be there to give someone else the support and confidence they need to let go of what they know and start accepting what is.

I am a victim of domestic violence, but I am not weak. WEAVE just helped me connect to my strength, get safe, and move on. I can’t imagine how much longer that would have taken without them and every day I look in my little boys eyes and know we are safe, I am grateful to all WEAVE has done for us.

WEAVE saved my life.

Please help save WEAVE.

I'm a successful executive. For years (2 to be exact) my husband threatened to kill me and to steal my child. Eventually he started physically hurting me as well. When I'd had enough, I went to a lawyer. The answers I got were long, complicated, expensive, and included a lot of concessions I wasn't willing to make.

I remembered donating to WEAVE once as part of a production of the Vagina Monologues. I never thought I would need to call them. I didn't think WEAVE services were for people like me. Frankly, I wasn't aware that strong, smart successful people could be victims of domestic violence. It had become achingly clear, however, that I was wrong.

Shaking and hiding in my car in a CVS parking lot, I called WEAVE. That phone call was like grabbing on to a lifeboat when you are drowning in a wide ocean of fear and uncertainty.

In days, I had met with an incredibly helpful lawyer for free, had filed a restraining order at the court house, and got sole temporary custody of my son. A WEAVE volunteer sat with me through all the court proceedings and called me periodically to check in on me.

I felt guilty using their services because I felt like my abuse was so minor compared to the other people I met while working with WEAVE. But repeatedly they told me that I was a victim and they were determined to help -- that domestic abuse might come in degrees, but their services didn't.

I promised myself when it was all over I would donate $100 a month to WEAVE. It's not all over. I hadn't started donating. And now I am riddled with guilt for not supporting the organization that saved me sooner.

Please help save WEAVE.

For more - see this article in the Washington Post: http://bit.ly/Dl0ip