My Coach, Brooke Castillo in Washington DC this Summer!

For years I've been talking about Brooke Castillo - my life coach since 2006 and one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. Brooke's a certified North Star life coach and she was trained by Oprah's life coach, Martha Beck. Brooke developed this incredible system which she calls self coaching which I use all the time when I am facing a challenge, if I am stuck, or need to change my perspective on a situation.

I've gone to Brooke's seminars in Lake Tahoe the last couple years and come back with a new perspective and an energy that's unstoppable. The first year I attended, I came back with a commitment to do a triathlon -- I did 4! The second year I was focused on being stuck in my career and within 30 days of returning from the seminar I got a promotions and a $10,000 raise. Within 6 months, I got a new job with another title jump and a $50,000 salary increase - during a recession! Both accomplishments were direct results of the work I did with Brooke in the few short days I participated in her seminars.

Brooke's based out of California and I think all of her live events have been out West. Traveling is a challenge for me now so I figured my days of going to Brooke's seminars had ended, but then I got an idea, what if she did a seminar here, at my house??

And so, in August, Brooke is coming to Washington DC and I'd like to invite you to participate in a seminar that I guarantee will take you to the next level. Brooke's techniques are creative, actionable, and NOT boring. A day with Brooke is a THOUGHT BOOTCAMP!

Check out this video about her style:

Brooke is coming for 2 days (a Saturday and a Sunday), August 14th and 15th and the sessions will last about 8 hours each day. You can come for 1 or both days depending on your budget and schedule. There will be lunch snacks and drinks included in the price. The cost is $250 for 1 day or $399 for both. I'm hoping for a small group so you'll get lots of personal as well as group coaching from Brooke who charges $500+ hour so it will be a great value.

In addition, attendees will be asked to come with a "house gift". The House Gift is your payment to me for hosting this event and here's my price: A pledge or commitment of time, money or other resources for how you will make the world a better place in the next 12 months. It can be as big or small as you want but you will be held accountable for your pledge. The idea of a house gift is based on the Clinton Foundation's program copied, most recently, by Barack Obama at the Nuclear Summit in DC where he required leaders who attended to come with House Gifts. For example, India declared that it will build a center to promote nuclear security. Ukraine, Mexico, Chile, Kazakhstan, Vietnam and Canada agreed to dispose of hundreds of pounds of highly enriched uranium used in civilian facilities. etc etc. These pledges are so powerful because you will make your pledge in front of the group and the group will celebrate when you meet your commitment.

Who should come?

• Anyone who is stuck in anything - a job, a relationship, your health
• Anyone who needs a turnaround or a breakthrough
• Anyone with a BIG problem - a problem that seems insurmountable or exhausting
• Anyone who secretly thinks they are supposed to be doing more with their life
• Anyone who is looking for a goal or a passion and just feels blah
• Anyone who feels like they are running out of time or are in a rush to: lose weight, get married, start a business, have a baby, etc.

What you'll get out of the event?

• A framework for motivating yourself even when it seems impossible.
• A set of tools to reframe your past, present and most importantly, your future.
• A no-nonsense, plain spoken, down to earth guide to how to create the future you want - how to live the law of attraction.
• Aching sides from belly laughs.
• New and deeper friendships.
• Hope.

This is going to be a small group (no more than 10 people per day) so if you are interested, let me know ASAP so I can save you a seat. I'll be linking a form here soon! It's going to be at my house which is in Washington DC near metro and the train and equidistant from Dulles, National, and BWI airports.

RSVP to me directly at becomingjourney@gmail.com

So excited!
Angela

Smarter than your Average Fog Eat

I came on this retreat with one, clear goal – to find the neural pathways toward a life without mindless eating when I’m not hungry (what Brooke calls fog eating). Today, I had a chance to work on that goal in one of Brooke’s typical “Attack Coaching” sessions. The thing about Brooke is that she just puts her thumb right on your thoughts and then holds you down. Her confidence in herself and in you seems to glide you onto the next level. Working with her is hard, she doesn’t let you get away with anything, but it’s also like flying. She lifts you off the ground with her love, compassion, and joy of doing this work.

In her unique way, she was lifting me off the ground with her questions.

Brooke: What result do you want?

Me: To be free from fog eating.

Brooke: What action do you need to take in order not to fog eat?

(Oh, this is gonna be easy, I thought, I know how to play this game.)

Me: In order not to fog eat, I need to stay connected to myself before I eat. To do that I’d need to think thoughts like this:
• Nothing is too much for me.
• I can handle this immediate moment.
• I don’t need to stop the thinking.
• I can clear the slate without eating.

With thoughts like that I would feel resourceful, confident, competent, and clear. I would stay connected and not fog eat.

Q.E.D.

Oh oh oh – so much easier said than done. What’s standing in my way of changing my thoughts? The belief that fog eating is somehow helpful to me. When pressed, I realized that I have a secret idea that my fog eating is actually productive. Fog eating helps me calm down, press the reset button, rethink my current circumstance and start a-fresh.

Brooke made her move: “With Angela, the best way to coach her is with mockery.”

So she started this list to show just how productive fog eating made me:

Angela’s FOG EATING TO DO LIST
1) Eat without awareness
2) Eat food that doesn’t fuel me
3) Burn time
4) Zap my energy
5) Feel super crappy
6) Beat myself up after

I hated looking at this list, but she’s right. The idea fog eating makes me more productive is total bullshit. I am just hanging on to this thought – this thought that not fog eating is too hard. And there is absolutely no intelligent reason for it.

Here is where Brooke worked her real magic.

“Tell me about MORE SUCCESSFUL ANGELA (MSA). What makes her VP material?"
Oh I rattled off my answers – so many of them where to start? I’m:
• Productive
• Smart
• Efficient
• Organized
• Resourceful
• Make good decisions
• Prioritize
• Put things in order
• Strategic
• The list goes on and on….

I should have known what was coming. What else? A turnaround! She opened it up to the group.

“What’s the opposite of Productive?”
Lazy!

“Smart?”
Stupid.

"Efficient?"
Wasteful…

The list of opposites went on and on with the girls getting more and more animated:

• Scattered
• Clueless
• Bad decisions
• Not ordered
• Mismanaged
• Dumb

Then Brooke asked me:

“Okay Ms. VP, what do you call a not very smart entry level person?”

My answer rolled off the tongue…. “a monkey”

“Great! A DUMB MONKEY I LOVE IT,” Brooke jumped up and down like an animal. “That’s who you are when you fog eat!!! A DUMB MONKEY.”

Is feeding your body food you don’t need or food that’s not right for your body Smart? Efficient? Resourceful? Of course not! In so many areas of my life I am brilliant – oh, but not when it comes to fog eating. When it comes to fueling my body, I’m a dumb monkey. My thoughts have been telling me I can’t stop fog eating and me, little miss argumentative, I just take the orders and stuff my face without questioning for a minute if this thought is serving me. I surrendered myself to my thoughts and believed my thoughts about fog eating were uncontrollable.

So, here are my new thoughts:
• I am so much smarter than fog eating.
• I am so glad I am not a monkey.
• I am never dumb now.
• I never fog eat now.

I am strongly adverse to the idea of being a “dumb monkey” I don’t think it’s at all cute or funny; it’s just a stark reminder of this lie I have been telling myself over and over – that I need to fog eat; that I WANT to fog eat; that I deserve to fog eat.

Fog eating keeps me overweight and being overweight keeps me from my true potential. No chance to fail because I’m holding myself back. Brooke of course tied this all into my career aspirations.

I can hear Marianne Williamson telling me I’m playing small with the universe and so the universe is playing small with me. She’s telling me to show up for my own life.

I want a seat at the big kid’s table so I can make good strategic decisions, but I don’t make good strategic decisions about fog eating in my own life and I AM the president of what one attendee referred to as You, Inc. I am the President and I’m not making good decisions at all.

Imagine there is a board meeting and Lazy, Stupid, Smart and Efficient all show up. Who would I listen to? When I fog eat, I’m taking advice from Lazy and Stupid. Of course I’m not getting to the next level in my career, I can’t even run my own body effectively. There is a chicken and the egg here but it’s kind of irrelevant. If I want to change my life – and for that matter if you want to change yours – you just have to change your thoughts. You can do it now, or later, it really doesn’t matter; but strategically speaking, I recommend the former so you can amortize your joy over a greater number of years.

How to Succeed in Coaching Without Really Trying

Brooke asked me to take a look at my current definition of Career Success to see if I can revise the thought to something genuinely true for me but that does not cause pain.


Current: Achieve progressively advancing responsibility and reward while minimizing risk.

Proposed: Earn a living in interesting positions in which I thrive and enjoy.



I told Brooke I felt successful but that I wanted to be MORE SUCCESSFUL – that there was more I could be doing which I felt ready for. So Brooke asked me about Miss More Successful. “How would your life be different if you were more like Miss More Successful?”

Miss More Successful has one key thing I don’t have – a seat at the “Big Kid’s Table” at work. She is a part of high-level corporate decisions and her duties are more strategic; therefore her impact at work more significant. If I had that seat I would be challenged in a way I am not now, I would be less restless and searching for my next thing. If I had that seat I would be able to participate in a more meaningful way and I think that means that the company would be more successful. My ideas would be heard by the right people and I’d get to hear those same people put their ideas forward which would give me a ton of new information about business and myself. I feel like I would be able to grow personally faster that I can in my current position. I’d have a little more money but I’d be building equity toward and even more lucrative future.

***

I don't know though - there is something about coaching that when you hit on a big one you know it. I am having angst about my career. I feel I should be further along than I am based on my experience, intelligence, education, and age. This is the thought that is causing me pain - not that I am not further along. I get this. If I didn't have that thought I'd be fine with where I am. Where I am is totally fine. It's wanting more that causing the pain. This new definition I wrote - it is true, it's just not more true that the fact I want more and that's the thinking that needs to be undone. We'll see if we get to work on this at all while I'm here, if not, I have a feeling this thread will be with me for quite some time.

Tahoe 2.0: Off the Grid

There is nothing easy about being a blogger with no Internet access. I'm sitting on the steps of the Sunnyside Restaurant and Lodge, getting eaten alive by mosquitos as I steal Public wifi. The house we are staying at has no phone or Internet access what-so-ever. I know, I know, I am supposed to be focusing on myself and my own personal growth opportunity; but it turns out I have come to see access to the Information Superhighway as a right not a privilege.

Other than the lack of connectivity, the house is gorgeous (see pics above) and the women participating are an interesting mix. A few folks are here from last year - I guess 5 of the 12 women in the room (including Brooke) were here last year. Of the new folks, 2 are coaches though Brooke has asked both of them to participate fully and is including them in all our activities as equals which makes for an interesting dynamic as neither appears to have weight issues. For me, the "skinny bitch" phenomenon is no more - all that work paid off. It's nice to see so clearly that we've all got issues and weight is not as special as I once thought. The other 5 women are fairly new to the work, but on this first day have clearly started this deep dives.

We had 2 coaching sessions today and one creative activity. The major thing that came up for me was about career. Basically I'm saying I'll be happy when I reach the next level of my career, but of course, the opposite is true - I'll reach the next level of my career when I'm happy. So I'm going to do some homework on that tonight and I'll post it to the blog tomorrow morning when I leave the house to catch some exercise and check in with the outside world.

The activity we did was basically to pick our "word" a word that represents us where we are right now and to paint it along with a picture of our "inner body" (ala Eckhart Tolle). I painted an electrified "OPENING" because that really is my word. Opening to the possibilities of everything - my life, my body, my family, my career, my relationships - I am an early spring blossom stretching its petals in the early morning sunlight, and I do find it a most delightful place to be. I remember when I was in Labor with Jesse wanting to scream "OOOOOH FUCK!!!" but instead I kept forcing myself to change the thought - and the scream to OOOOOOOOOOOOOpening. It was a much better thought than this kid is splitting my person in half.


The big breakthrough today though was not mine. It was Miami J's (MJ). MJ has been providing room and board for her adult daughter for roughly a decade too long. Today - in front of our very eyes - we watched her realize that no, this was not providing her daughter help. It was not a gift or an act of love and benefiting her or her daughter in any long term way. MJ's thought was: IF I DON'T HELP MY DAUGHTER FINANCIALLY, SHE COULD DIE. We worked this turn around with her for an hour, but at the end of it, it was pretty clear the opposite was true, and MJ took a sharpie out of her heart and crossed out the word DON'T. I gotta say there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

More updates from "Brooke House: Off the Grid" tomorrow morning.

Heading Back to Tahoe

This blog was started 9 months ago when I was headed to my first retreat in Lake Tahoe with my Life coach Brooke Castillo.

Just 9 months later I have lost a total of 60 lbs. and gained more physical and emotional strength than I could quantify. I head back to Lake Tahoe in a few days and I'm looking forward to the emotional deluge of spending time with Brooke and the other women to peel back the layers of my onion.

I'll be blogging my experiences all back here so stay tuned for some intense "Retreat" posts. I'm really looking forward to this year's adventure and I'm glad to have you along for the ride!

I am a....Dragon Slayer

In an earlier session, Brooke asked us to complete the sentence, I am a.... I said Powerful Woman. But I did one better today. I am definitely a Dragon Slayer. I've done some slaying this week and there is more to come. In today's session we broke into small groups, made promises to ourselves, and a plan to work with the group to keep us accountable. Here's mine:

Starting today I promise myself that by the end of the year, I'll be exercising - as a gift to myself - on a regular basis. I defined regular basis as 4 times a week for 60 minutes or 6 times a week for 30 minutes. I asked the group to hold me accountable by receiving emails about my exercise for the week which will include my thoughts (and associated turn arounds) about exercising. I've asked the girls in my group: M*, T*, K*, and L* to point out when they think I am acting like a taker and not giving myself the gift of exercise.

Now here is the kicker.... we did an "or else". So, if I don't meet this goal, if I don't CHOOSE to give myself the gift of regular exercise by 8/8/08, I have made a promise to make a $1,000 contribution to an ANTI-CHOICE organization and present the receipt from the donation to the entire group from this week's retreat. Awful, huh? You better believe I will be getting my ass to the gym!

Some of the other consequences from women in my group were: writing a 10 page, footnoted research paper on emotional eating; copying, by hand, 50 pages of Brooke's book selected by the women in our group, having Brooke post a picture of the woman in a bikini one size too small on Brooke's website, and doing a 10-page scrapbook with pictures and stickers galore on how the woman is a caring person. Each consequence was especially hard for the woman assigned to it. For instance, there is no way I could have gotten away with writing a 10 page research paper, you all know I would love that too much.

The name of my small group by the way? The Dragon Slayers.

I'm a Taker. Who knew?!

Last night Lisa (a.k.a. "Skinny Bitch") came over for a glass of wine. We talked about my feelings about exercise and what I said to her was that as per Brooke's advice, I gave up exercising to lose weight. I went into exercise looking to feel good. But when I exercised, I didn't feel good. I felt bad. The thought was: Exercise is punishment. And my feelings were feeling physically bad or in pain. And so therefore, why exercise, right? So when I can't the thought to Exercise should make me feel good. My feeling was disappointment because I DIDN'T feel good. Exercise was letting me down.

What do you notice about this?? I've invested exercise with the power to let me down! Of course exercise can't let me down. No more than a scale or a mirror can be mean. I can't personify exercise and expect anything but a set up for failure.

Lisa picked this up right away. "So you're a taker with exercise. Have you read Brooke's book?"

See, I KNEW she was a bitch. Quickly I moved into searching for evidence mode. Yes I read Brooke's book. I wasn't a "taker." TAKERS are people who exercise and expect to lose weight. I just wanted to feel good.

I went back to the book.... will it surprise you to learn that Lisa, BRILLIANTLY, figured me out. I am a taker about exercise. I read Brooke's chapter all wrong. Here's what she says:

"...I suggest that you don't use [exercise] as a tool to lose weight or see immediate results. (Ed: Like feeling good instantly. Oops, missed that.) I am asking you to make a huge shift from a taker to a giver. ... Many people "take" from exercise what they can get and this usually leads to not liking it and doing activities that are not enjoyable. I want you to use exercise as a way to give to yourself. The distinction is crucial, and it's not merely semantics. ... You will start giving yourself exercise (Ed: here's the part I missed the first time) without expecting anything in return."

The critical piece of information I missed was the word ANYTHING. I thought as long as I wasn't expecting weight loss I was fine. No such luck! I missed the turn around and just shifted from TAKING weight loss to TAKING feeling good. Neither works.

I've shifted from being a taker to a giver and a GIVER is someone who gives the gift of movement, health, strength, and time to themselves. A giver is someone who makes a statement that they are willing to care without regard to what they will get out of it in terms of losing weight or feeling good. I can give my body emotional and physical strength, I can empower myself by overcoming excuses, and I can show my body I know that it is worth my time and energy. Of course it is! Anything less would be selfish.

So goodbye taker and hello giver. After all, I was only robbing myself.

Just Say No to Story Fondling

I'm tired tonight. The walk today just kicked my ass and the thing that makes me feel crappy is that I am not basking in the glow of having worked out hard. I just feel like shit. I can barely remember the afternoon session but that could be because I was distracted. I was thinking about this miracle I performed once where I turned this nasty, horrible co-worker into a love machine just by changing my own thoughts. After the hike it occurred to me that I needed to perform the same miracle on myself in transforming my own self-love situation. I was excited about the fact that I know how to do transformation and confident I could do it.

But in true Brooke style the moment was not to be celebrated for too long. Because tonight we drilled one level down, to love of our spouse. Mercifully, I was not the test case for this evening's exercise. Instead it was this amazing woman M* who has two little girls (3, and 7) and a couch potato husband who is not good company and does not prioritize their family at all. I am sure he is a total loser and a jerk. This, however, was irrelevant to our Brooke.

M*'s question was: "Did I make a mistake marrying my husband?"

Oh girl, there were many of us asking the same question. And Brooke's answer is clear. No you didn't. And you know how we know? BECAUSE YOU MARRIED HIM. Ladies I'm here to tell you, stop arguing with your past and you solve a host of problems. So yes, M* did the right thing in marrying her DH (darling husband). But what now? Should she stay?

Brooke's answer: Don't leave him until you love him.

Confusing? Well here's how the logic goes. You don't love someone for them. It's not a favor. You love someone for you. Love is a generator. If they love you back it's just the gravy - that's not WHY you do it. And, Love is a verb. It's an action you take. A decision you make. You decide to love someone and then you do it. FOR YOURSELF. FULL STOP.

Trying to love someone for his sake is just story fondling. You miss the facts because you get so tied up in the story. So Brooke makes it simple. "Would you RATHER love him or not love him?"

All things being equal - would it feel better to love your husband? So many women in the class were quick to answer. I'd rather not love him and love someone else. Oh yeah? Who? These are YOUR issues he is bring up. Your opportunity to learn these lessons and stay or leave and learn the same lessons with someone else. The goal, says Brooke, is to love your husband and not have him change one thing.

Now, to be clear this doesn't mean you stay. It just means you love him - for YOU. And then, from that place, of total love and total compassion, you make the decision about whether to stay or go.

To help us get there, she's asked us to write a love letter to our husband. One rule, no story fondling. Here's mine.

Dear R*,

When we first met you were a breath of fresh air. And I mean that not in the cliche way, but truly everything about you was fresh, clean, untouched. I loved your innocence, your openness, and your curiosity. Mostly I loved and admired your wild sense of adventure and your passion to create adventure in your own life. And, to be honest, I loved that you brought that in my own life.

I appreciate this about you to this day, even when I try to control those things about you. You are a child of the wind. You go where the spirit blows you, and DAMN it blows you on some crazy journeys. I love how you dive into new subjects you care about and make them your own. I love your passion for new technology and your commitment to shaping a career for yourself that you are wildly in love with.

I'm sorry, that on a day-to-day basis I find it hard to appreciate all the wonderful things about you. I'm sorry, that in the midst of my story fondling I can't celebrate your carefree spirit easily and that I worry about money or other logistics.

You are my best friend. You know me better than anyone. And even though we drive each other crazy, I think we have so much to learn from each other in this unpredictable journey called life. I want us to be back on the road together. To share our adventure story, like Ram and Sita. I want to come out of the forest together both stronger, wiser, and more committed to a miraculous shared truth.

I love you - just the way you are,
Angela

I DO NOT WEAR SIZE 8 1/2 SNEAKERS!

And when is this fact important? When your weight loss coach takes you on a 3 hour hike in the sierra mountains. Monica Risam and I once marched from BUDA to PEST (yes they are two cities!) on our Great, Post-college Eastern European tour. Her (now annoying) childhood boyfriend took us on the most painful tour on the planet which, to this day, we call out Nazi Death Hike through Budapest. It was NOT fun. Much like today. I'd describe the hike but I can't stand to think about it. I am covered in dust and sweat, my hands are still swollen as I type, there is a cramp in my side, my ass hurts, my hips are killing me, my knees are throbbing, and best of all, my GODDAMN shoes were too small so my feet are killing me.

After the death march ...er.. um... hike, I went directly to the golf shop and said, "Pardon me. Do you have any size 9 sneakers? I would like to purchase a pair." And so it came to be that today, for the first time in my life, I charged a pair of sneakers to my hotel room. Check out the image, they are pretty nice!

I'm going in the pool now. And not for exercise.

The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

I wanted to push myself on this trip. Wanted to go deeper than ever. Find something about myself I couldn't have believe was there. And tonight, I found it. More than once. I don't even know where the strength came from to do what I did tonight but here's the story.

Brooke has hired a coach to work under her. Her name is Lisa and she showed up at the conference today. Here's a picture of Lisa. Notice anything about her? I did. This bitch is SKINNY! And not in the I lost 100 pounds kind of way - in the I have skinny GENES kind of way. In the I'll always be skinny and I'll never have to worry about it kind of way. In the I'm lucky and you aren't kind of way. OH OH OH did she bring up my stuff. And here is the thing about Lisa. She's nice on top of it. Bitch.

I didn't hate her a little. I hated her a lot. So, I talked to her and had a great chat, and promised myself I wouldn't hate her on the grounds she was (is) a skinny bitch. But it grated on me, I have to admit. Especially since she was so "nice." I promised myself, except the thing is, it KEPT coming up. It was like someone showed up to the Annual Green Party Convention with a Fucking Bush Cheney T-shirt on. Was she trying to rub it in? Was this part of Brooke's plan?

I went to dinner and miracle of miracles, skinny bitch (and her tofu salad, I'm sure) were WAY at the other end of a long table. My overstuffed thighs did not need to graze her stick legs at our meal. I could eat, in peace, without HER ruining it for me. Or is it... my thoughts about her that might have ruined things. But more about this later.

Now, if you haven't always been fat like me this might not totally resonate, but I could not concentrate with this thin woman in the room. I briefly considered going home, calling in sick, staying in my room and working, or just taking a long drive around the Lake for a couple days. Instead, I went into tonight's coaching session and responded to Brooke's question:

"Did anything come up for anyone today that they want to talk about?"

I raised my hand.

"This is hard," I say.

"Go ahead," said Brooke.

"No, REALLLLY hard," I say.

"GIRL. BRING IT ON."

"I have a problem with Lisa being here. I don't think it's right for someone so skinny to be among us."

"This is great!" says Brooke, rubbing her hands together jumping up and down with excitement. "Say more. Why not? You don't think she can help you because she is skinny."

"No, that's not it, I just hate her. I hate all skinny people."

Oh man did the walls come down. The temperature in that room went up by oh, 100 degrees, sweat pooled around me in the chair, like a mote. But I stuck through it. We questioned so many of my illogical beliefs about thin people and, of course, about myself, if I were to be thin. The belief we settled on was:

She has never had to deal with being fat and I have and it's not fair. Now if you remember the rules you'll see the turn around that I need to get to is:
She has never had to deal with being fat and I have and it is fair. OH MAN was that a journey of a 1000 steps. But we got there.

How does that thought (that it's not fair for me) make me act? LIKE A BITCH! Rude. Irritated. Anxious. NOT GOOD!

Who would I be without that thought? More focused on what I really want in my life! SOOOOO much happier. Not distracted at meal times! And probably a hell of a lot thinner.

This thought - and the feelings caused by it, and the actions I take to deal with those feelings have been holding me back for YEARS.

But as if that revelation weren't enough, (and believe me, in my book it was), Brooke asked what else came up. And I had to talk about what it was like to look at myself exercising in the mirror today during our training session. When I told her the mirror was mean, here's what she asked me to do...

"Pretend Teresa is blind and you want her to draw you. Describe yourself factually from head to toe - every lump, bump and curve, from your top to your toes. GO."

Can you even begin to contemplate how hard that was? I started, logically, with the period zit which has erupted in the lower left corner of my chin. Others, for some inexplicable reason, thought this was an on place to start. I described what was wrong with my nose, my skin, my hair, my eyes and my eyebrows before Brooke stopped me.

"Kill the story. We don't want your bullshit. Just the facts."

I started again. Stringy, messy brown hair. A round face. Small brown eyes. And then my body. Triangle shape. No discernible waist. Fat thighs. It was horrible. I cried through most of the description.

"Great. Now do it again, with compassion."

I broke down. NOTHING was in my head. I couldn't find a way to describe a toe nail to this group of 18 women (one of them skinny) with a shred of self-compassion. My mind was blank. And yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I was.... speechless.

Except... for the sound of my sobs. The tears flowed and between them I would beg, "I can't do it. PLEASE move on. I can't. I can't. I can't. I don't know."

K*, this amazingly zingy woman was sitting next to me and gave me the most earnest look I've ever seen. Full of love and compassion and wisdom and she just said to me, "It will be so much easier if you get it over with. I know. I've been there."

Brooke is normally relentless, backed off a bit and turned to this STUNNINGLY beautiful woman in our class (who this morning informed us all she did not think she was smart enough to be a real estate agent and provided the following as evidence -- a) I am not good at my times tables; b) I am not a good speller; c) I'm not good at grammar -- when I tell you this woman would be a fabulous agent... oh but that's another story!). "J*, can you do it? Can you describe yourself physically with compassion?"

"I can," said J* confidently. "I couldn't have a few months ago. But I can now."

"Great, then do it"

And so she did. She revealed herself to us. She knew her thick dark hair took our breath away. She knew her hazel eyes sparkled and danced. She knew that the curves of her hips had a sexiness to them that none of us would deny. And in that moment, she owned all of it. She described herself, like I might, here in this anonymous blog.... as the beautiful woman she is.

I sat, shocked. THIS is what Brooke meant by describe yourself with compassion???? When I tell you the words she was saying to me sounded like Ancient Hebrew. I could not follow what she was asking me for. But here was this butterfly in my midst, teaching me how to fly by simply flying herself. It was a song that J* sung to me and on listening, my heart just opened.

When she finished, Brooke turned to me. "You're up..."

And so I started:

"I have pretty, soft wavy brown hair that bounces when I have it down in a way that looks like I am in a shampoo commercial. And when I have it up, you can see the sweetest little widow's peak on my hair line. I have a soft face, smooth skin, and THE most adorable dimple on my chin. Round eyes that sparkle, a warm smile, and straight teeth. I have rounded shoulders, soft arms, large round breasts, a Rubanesque belly, curvy hips, sexy legs and absolutely adorable, well manicured toes."

The girls applauded, and in that moment I saw the compassion that I could have for myself all the time. I saw all the compassion I have in the world for everyone else and how little I have left for myself. But tonight I claimed it and I felt, for I think the first time in my life. Self love.

Whoa.

And then everyone came back to my suite and we drank copious amounts of wine.

Oh and the skinny bitch, she came too. Turns out my thoughts didn't kill her. And my feelings didn't kill me.

A Little Girl with a Little Curl

This morning we did something a bit different. Brooke asked us all some questions and gave us no time to think of the answers... you just had to write what popped into your head. Try it yourself! It's interesting.... Here are the questions:

• What Fairy Tale do you most identify with?
• What cartoon character is most like you?
• What movie best represents your life?
• If you were writing an autobiography, what would you call it?
• Whom -from history or currently alive - would be most like to be like if you could be like anyone?
• In your life story are you: a rescuer, a persecutor, or a victim?
• Finish this sentence with a max of 2 words: I am a _________________.

Now, don't cheat. Answer for yourself before you move on. To make it easier, I'm saving my answers for the end of this post. But after we answered those questions Brooke asked us to write a bedtime story that starts... There once was a little girl.

Here's mine:


There once was a little girl who had a little girl right in the middle of her forehead, and when she was good she was very, very good, and when she was bad, she was horrid.

When she was bad she said mean things to people she loved in order to make them feel as yucky as she did inside. She had a sharp tongue and would use it to cut people down in their tracks.

But when she was good - which was most of the time - she would bring baskets of sunshine and daisies to everyone in the village and sing them songs that made the people so happy they would smile all day.

One day, the little girl decided to bring a basket to her "bad girl self" and the sunshine and daisies and the song made the bad little girl so happy she smiled and smiled until all the bad feeling melted away.

Then the good little girl and the bad little girl hugged and walked off into the sunset together when they lived happily ever after.

The End.


Upon hearing my story, Brooke asked about the bad little girl and why she wanted to be bad. I told her how the bad little girl was easily frustrated by annoying, moronic, and stupid people. Always unsympathetic, Brooke wanted to know how I was annoying, moronic and stupid. What was troublesome to the bad little girl must - by definition - be something in me. So she asked me to write a story about a moronic and retarded little girl. Here's what I came up with:



There once was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was dumb, she was very, very dumb, and when she was a moron, she was horrid!


When she was dumb she would make inexplicable mistakes and blunders around adults and children alike. She'd give away secrets and make people who trusted her very disappointed.


When she was a moron, things got even worse! She would insult the very people in control of her success in life. She wouldn't listen to people who wanted what's best for her because she didn't trust them to know.


One day the dumb little girl called a meeting with the moronic little girl:


"We both act like retards because we don't value the opinions of just about anyone else," said the dumb little girl.


"But come on," said the moron, "their opinions aren't valuable."


Then the dumb girl and the moron pulled out their Blackberries and scheduled a meeting with some of their other friends. Smart, Joy, Connection, Shame, Persistence, Harmony, and the twice, Ice cream and Sunshine to discuss the situation further. And with that, Dumb and Moron kicked a can down the street on their way to the horizon line.


The End.


******************

Those were my stories. And here are the answers to the questions above... Don't read them if you haven't answered yourself!!!

1. Jack & Jill
2. Nemo's Dad Meets Pochohantas
3. The Dead Poet's Society
4. Live Deep: The True Store of a Woman who Sucked the Marrow Out of Life
5. George Washington
6. Rescuer
7. Powerful Woman.

Meeting Brooke in 20 minutes for a personal training session in the gym and then for some laps in the pool. After that we've got a dinner break, another coaching session, and a party in my big room!

Be The Butterfly

Brooke - as one might expect - is amazing. Her energy is contagious and her ability to go right to the heart of the matter is breathtaking. She gets it. She just GETS it. I met her at noon, after a splendid morning that included coffee and a breakfast sandwich at Lake Tahoe (gorgeous) and a fairly silent but none-the-less delightful manicure and pedicure at the Spa.

I was nervous to meet everyone. I thought Brooke might have an annoying voice in person, but not at all. She's great. Beautiful and sparkling. So warm. So smart. The group is great too. Most of the women are from California it seems and many have met before. One is from Howard County MD. She flew out of BWI a couple hours before me yesterday. Too funny. Her name is H*. Stay at home mom of 3. Super smart and frankly - like many of the women here - pretty friggin thin! So many of the women are thin and beautiful IMHO that I wonder what the hell they are doing here. Definitely all very smart, engaged, and dealing with serious stuff. I'm sure I'll be annoyed at some of the eventually but for now they are great.

We sat down for an intro session. And Brooke didn't want to hear where we were from, or where we worked. She first wanted to know what we were excited about and then, what we were afraid of. I said I was excited to make some new friends and afraid of ...exercise. I've never been afraid of exercise because I have been willing to do it and hate it. But now, I want to embrace it and I guess I'm afraid I won't.

As we went around we started talking about the beliefs that lead to the thoughts that cause the feelings that we try to avoid by eating. There were a couple interesting beliefs of mine that were brought up in the group session. First she pinpointed me on my believe that "No one should feel pain." I was talking about how sad it made me that my mom was sad. She thought that was an unreasonable reason to be sad. Sounded good to me. I love my mom I don't want her to be sad. Not for my Brooke though, she wouldn't let it go. If you go around wanting no one to ever be in pain or thinking no one should ever be in pain you are setting yourself up to be in pain a lot of the time. UGH - there's a hard one to swallow.

The next challenge came when I explained my mom said she was lonely. I didn't want her to be lonely. And that's when the bomb shelled dropped. I don't think she should be lonely because I'm her daughter and therefore I should keep her company. Brooke said, "So mom's should never get lonely." And I said, "No, that's why you have kids." Oh did the crowd go while. Now there is a belief system that needs some challenging!

After that we went for a one hour hike (I think tomorrow's hike is 3 hours.) The hike was beautiful. It looks like Switzerland a bit here. Wasn't expecting that. I still hate hiking.

One other thing I wanted to mention. More than once Brooke has mentioned her weight - 150lbs, size 8 - and I have to comment on it. She is so think - I mean she looks super skinny to me. I can't believe that's what 150 lbs looks like. I am thinking of changing my goal to 180!

Oh and the title of this post, Be the Butterfly... that comes of Brooke's dramatic reading of Eric Carlise's The Hungry Caterpillar. Who, it turns out, is a caterpillar who starved himself, binged, ate healthy and then became a butterfly. Our weekend is about the metamorphosis stage in between being a caterpillar and a butterfly - the bug soup or the mire that we are in as we try to figure this out. Or as Brooke says, as we build the muscles needed to come out of our cocoon and fly!

You want blog...

Have laptop will travel and man have I traveled today. The flight to Vegas was a bit tedious with a stop in Indianapolis but no matter - the flights were on time and the seat-mates bearable. Getting to Reno proved trickier. First the door on our plane was broken so they were going to get us a new plane, then the new plane couldn't park at our gate because someone was having a heart attack on the old plane (the one with the broken door). So we had to move gates but there was already a mass of Southwest style people lined up for the Oklahoma flight that was supposed to leave from that gate so they all had to move and then. Eventually - after what seemed like a million delays - we got on the plane.... which was about 120 degrees. I kid you not. It was 108 in Vegas today and this plane had been baking in the sun. They couldn't cool it down. And they took so long trying that we missed our take off window so we had to wait an hour, in the hot plane, on the tarmac. Nice. Mostly I didn't mind because I had internet access and no where to be until 5:45 when I had a decadent 75 minute hot stone massage booked. The flight was supposed to get in at 1:05. How late could we be?

How late indeed! We pulled in close to 4. My shuttle from the hotel had come and gone and there were no available shuttles at such short notice. A cab, I soon learned, would cost $145.... EACH WAY. And that, my friends, is how I ended up at a resort, with a rental car. Oh you better believe I got here in time for my massage. And with a smile on to boot. I had booked a standard room but the girl at the front took one look at me and said "You look like a nice person. I am going to upgrade you." And here I find myself, typing this entry from the office of my 600 square foot suite (for those of you taking notes that's about the size of my apartment in Virginia). It's got a slate floor, a spa tub and standing shower, a nicely sized eat in kitchen, an office nook, bedroom with a king size bed, and a living room with a working fire place.

Here's a picture

I just got back from my delicious massage. And I'm off to find dinner. Looking forward to meeting Brooke tomorrow! I keep thinking I am going to see her, but this place is huge.