Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Deciding to Decide

Vegas has been such an incredible learning experience. What does taking care of myself look like? Sometimes it means NOT working out. Sometimes it means eating past 2 when the Swordfish still tastes good and your fully connected. Sometimes it means accepting that consciously deciding not to decide is a decision.

At one point on this trip I was thinking of going home early because I missed my little boy and I was afraid the second conference was going to be boring. I worked the Four Question Turn arounds on this but I was still stuck, so I shared my quandry with Brooke. Here's what I told her:

On 11/10/07 12:40 AM, "Angela Lauria" wrote:

> I so often feel torn like this - maybe because I am so
> analytical but I can see all the great reasons to go and all the great reasons
> to stay and I get really caught in this pros/cons list loop and I can't
> decide. It's the homology of form for my relationship with Rachan. I feel
> trapped because I feel like it's 50/50 whether I should stay or go - in Vegas
> or with Rachan. I get (intellectually) that it's my job to just pick - if it
> is 50/50 I have nothing to lose. What I am picking instead is being confused
> so there is something about being confused that serves me - here's the thing -
> let's say I picked to go home Monday - And then it turned out the conference
> was great - I'd totally regret it, kick myself, stress out. Let's say I stay
> and it's boring - same thing. It's like decisions like this come and I decide
> to beat myself up no matter what happens.

I was on the way to an epiphany and Brooke took me over the hump.
"Confused is good because....confused can't really fail," she told me. "Confused doesn't really take action. Confused is noncommittal. Confused is sidelines...."

And there it is - a lie I have been telling myself. "I'm noncommittal. I'm sidelines. I don't take action." This is in deep conflict with my authentic self. And so, my true, unchangeable north start self taps me on the shoulder with pounds and negative emotions...
"Hey - Hey you... you're not sidelines; you're "all-in."

Finding this one literally added years to my life. It's such a relief to be free of it. I'm not sidelines... I'm ALL IN! So from now on, no waffling in indecision. I'm all about making choices and being accountable for the consequences, because anything less is inauthentic and unacceptable. It's playing small with the universe. And it's not acceptable to me any longer.

What lies do you tell yourself?

Saturday, November 10, 2007

I Don't Feel So Good

For a long time I didn't choose to take care of myself. I didn't feel like I deserved to be taken care of some days - and on other days I felt like someone else should come take care of me. But I've been falling in love with accountability lately and now I get it's no one else's job but mine. Lucky me!

This recent befriending I've done with myself and my body have led to a lot of early mornings at the gym, meetings with a marathon coach at my office, sessions with a personal trainer at my gym, fitness testing with a biking coach, and a lot of really healthy food going into my person. Fabulous!

But now I'm sick. I've been sick for some time - over a week. I'm asking myself, for the first time ever, what does it look like to take care of yourself when you are sick. Does it mean I go back to the gym or wait? Take of work for a day? a week?

I'm in Vegas now, 8 days in to a 10 day course of antibiotics and I feel awful. I want to work out, but taking care of myself means staying in bed, drinking water, and watching the rollercoaster riders outside my window. And hey, while I'm here, I might as well question the thoughts that make me think taking care of myself is hard.