Hello, Angela? This is God Calling.

Have I ever told you the first thing God said to me? I was in Scotland for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in the mid-to-late 90s. I should note that the 90s corresponded quite nicely with my 20s and my 20s were a pretty painful time for me. Sex was the closest I could come to love and on that particular day I had just fucked some fairly random guy so I was feeling good but I was also running late for a hair appointment.

It was the day I was supposed to get my "skunk stripe" (the streak of hair in the front of my head that's a different color - now it's purple but at the time I first got it was blonde). Anyway, I was running late so I stopped at a pay phone (No cell phones then, I know, I'm old.) to call and say I'd be late for my appointment.

"Sorry, we won't be able to see you if you aren't on time."

I thought they were kidding! What? I'm 10 minutes late and my appointment is canceled? After all, I called. That was the right thing to do. People were late all the time, why was I different? I wished I hadn't called and was sure if I had just shown up they would have fit me in. I shared this with the girl at the shop to no avail.

I was pissed at the shop and even more so, at myself. I'd left the cozy bed of whats-his-name and it would be too weird to go back and I couldn't even get my damn skunk stripe. What was I supposed to do?!

At the time I was new to A Course in Miracles and a crazy idea popped in my head.... pray. And so I did. For a couple hours I walked the streets of Scotland decrying the base-injustice of a canceled hair appointment. Poisonous thoughts filled my head, but I cracked a teeny tiny window of my heart open.

Dear God, I release the woman who canceled my appointment and I love her. I am willing to see it another way.

And there is was... the voice of God. In my right ear. As clear as a bell.

"IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU."

Yep, those were the very first words God ever said to me. "It's not always about you." I laughed at the snarkiness of it all. A calm came over me. Somehow, in that moment, I knew it was true.

Susan Hyatt's recent talk about text messages from God reminded me of that story this week. I am pretty sure if I had a cell phone back then, God would have texted this to me that day. Through the years since, that small phrase has been the source of so much comfort for me.

Today, I had another one of those "It's not always about you" moments. Years ago I shared a kiss with a ridiculously handsome man. The man was 15 years my senior and he was not exactly my boss, but let's just say he was in a position of authority in relation to me. (Why yes, I did have Daddy issues, why do you ask?)

At least how I remember it now, he invited me to dinner at his house one night and that's when the "kiss" occurred. After the kiss, he asked me to stay over, but I had another plan. I desperately wanted to spend the night, but I calculated if I played hard to get and went home, he'd for sure want to see me again.

As desperate as I was to stay and enjoy the night. I was even more desperate for control. It was all games, manipulation, and bullshit. That particular prison is how spent most of my 20s actually – EXHAUSTING!

But my plan didn't work. Despite my working "The Rules," he blew me off. I was sad and mad about this primarily for 2 reasons… 1) because I genuinely loved our friendship and missed him; and 2) because my game didn’t work and I wished I had played it differently.

Okay, let me be really honest. After weeks of torturing myself over how I played the game and over the loss of a friend, I boiled it all down to this: I clearly just wasn’t pretty, funny, or cool enough for him to waste his time with.

Since that night back in 1994, we haven't spoken, until a couple weeks ago (I LOVE YOU MARK ZUCKERBERG) and today we met for breakfast.

This time I brought God with me. It was great to see him. We always had so much to talk about. This guy is just one of the most inspiring people I've ever met. Before the breakfast was over he got serious.

"There is something I want to clear up," he started. "I guess it's my guilt/shame admission... That night when we were at my little bungalow. I've been carrying around a lot of guilt for how I handled that. You were so young and considering my position, I knew it wasn't right. Then when you reached out to me after, I didn't respond because I was so ashamed and of course ignoring you only made it worse. I handled that all wrong. I wish I had been more mature. I'm sorry."

Oh the pain of this particular loss had long since subsided, but it was so sweet to hear this apology/explanation. For years I had made it all about me and never bothered to look at it from his perspective. I was so sure it was about me, that I never considered the age or power differential or anything going on in his life as a possible reason for the end of whatever it was we had.

Of course, I accepted the apology, thanked him for his honesty, and was overwhelmed with gratitude.

As I drove home, the tears started flowing. How many times had I abused myself physically, verbally and emotionally for things that literally had nothing to do with me? How many times have I jumped into a cess pool of someone else's business insisting it was my own? How many times have I rejected myself in my search for someone else's love or approval.

The message is the same as it was that summer-day in Scotland:
"IT'S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU."

What's Awesome about Teen Angst

I should be doing something else right now. I just got off a conference call and I’m moving into my next task for the day. I took one, deep meditative breath and it hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks falling on my head and I don’t want to work. I want to write. I want to stew. I want to hold myself in my own arms for a few moments.

I just got smacked upside the head with one of my biggest personal epiphanies, literally out of no where. All the nasty arguing and eye rolling I did with teachers in high school and college (not to mention my mom), is not evidence I was a terrible kid that needed to grow up. I can feel myself now, rolling my eyes at Mr. Germanese or huffing in disgust at Carl Gudienus, and even as I feel that, I can see the huffing and eye rolling was a manifestation of a deep longing for information.

I was so unsatisfied for so long. I couldn’t really verbalize it, I just felt put upon by the universe and all the people in it. I was… unhappy. I wanted more but I was so unclear and unspecific about what I wanted BECAUSE…. I had no role models!

I had no way to picture what I wanted so it was just a deep, unabiding frustration. Like soaking in a stew of discontent. Arguing, bitching and whining – inelegant as it was - was the only way I could think of at the time to express my desire to be taken under someone's wing and shown the magic and miracles of the universe.

Like a toddler unable to "user her words", I threw tantrums and flailed my arms – trying desperately to explain something outside of my linguistic capabilities. I think it was the anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss who pointed out -- there is no word for 'art' in Navajo-culture because for Indians everything is art and that the Chinese don't have a word for “no” because “perhaps” is as far as they will go.

Like a Chinaman stuck in a land of NOs, I had no words to describe my frustration or loss. I only had a vague hope someone could explain what was going on. Why did I want more? Why did I feel so small and incapable? What were the rules of this strange land? And more over, why the hell didn’t anyone else acknowledge how weird everything was?

In some ways I had culture shock due to some internalized knowing I needed to know more. And yet I was in a world where I couldn’t’ access it. Books helped. As did one teacher who gave me a glimmer of hope that this "more" I was looking for was out there. Still it was out of reach.

No one gave me what I wanted. No one outstretched their hand and said here… let me show you. Maybe I never met anyone that “knew” how to find what I was looking for. More probably my frustrations shut them out of sharing the lesson. And yet, I see now, I did the best I could. Oh how I want to grab that girl and give her such a huge hug – she tried SO hard. How could no one have heard? I mean, it was an IMPRESSIVE showing made by this inner longing.

You know who took my hand in the end? Me. There really wasn’t anyone else and so I’ve grabbed my own hand, I’ve become my own mentor but my tough love for myself hasn’t always been very loving. For instance, it never occurred to me to love those eye rolls and nasty comments until today. It never struck me that without them, I couldn’t have created a road from my sleepy traditional home town to this mecca of possibility, wonder, love and compassion.

Freedom – total freedom – comes from seeing yourself for who you are, letting go of the need to fix anything, and opening your arms to the journey knowing total safety is yours for the asking. That’s what I’d tell my angsty-teen-self.

Keep rolling your eyes baby girl because that is – believe it or not – the path to your truth and freedom.

I hit my goal weight!!!

I woke up Sunday morning happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I feel like I am deeply in love with the PERFECT person for me and today I realized why. I HIT MY GOAL WEIGHT!! I have struggled so hard and so long with my weight and the battle is over! Seriously I never thought I'd reach this point but I know now that every diet, every bad day, every pair of pants that made me want to crawl into bed, and every scale or mirror that I accused of being "mean" have all lead me to this perfect point.

I have been made whole. I have MADE MYSELF whole. There is nothing left to fix. It's like when you start dating someone and the person you are dating seems perfect. You can't find a flaw - can't imagine a reason you'll ever break up. And you love every second you spend together, treasuring it like a gift from the Gods. That's how I feel about me.

I don't need to read another book. I don't need to start another diet. I don't need to cry another tear. I have received the gift of myself and I am not going to waste another second. I want to stay up all night on the phone with me. I want to stare lovingly at pictures of myself. I am squeezing every last drop of love into my own arms and now I can only see the perfection.

Every check I write is payable to me (no matter what it says on the "To" line)! Every bit of beauty I notice in others - my stunning mom, gorgeous sisters, friends, roommates, etc - I notice it's all my own beauty. When I meet someone who is smart - I am noticing I am smart. When I see someone (Sally, Heidi!) who is fit and strong and who loves there body - I realize I am fit and strong and I love my body.

And this week - I just can't stop seeing perfection everywhere. Nothing needs to be fixed. I can relax in gratitude and joy. The struggle was worth it. It brought me here. There is no where I'd rather be.

But you are wondering about my goal weight? Well it's the weight I am right now of course, how could it ever be anything else?

Smarter than your Average Fog Eat

I came on this retreat with one, clear goal – to find the neural pathways toward a life without mindless eating when I’m not hungry (what Brooke calls fog eating). Today, I had a chance to work on that goal in one of Brooke’s typical “Attack Coaching” sessions. The thing about Brooke is that she just puts her thumb right on your thoughts and then holds you down. Her confidence in herself and in you seems to glide you onto the next level. Working with her is hard, she doesn’t let you get away with anything, but it’s also like flying. She lifts you off the ground with her love, compassion, and joy of doing this work.

In her unique way, she was lifting me off the ground with her questions.

Brooke: What result do you want?

Me: To be free from fog eating.

Brooke: What action do you need to take in order not to fog eat?

(Oh, this is gonna be easy, I thought, I know how to play this game.)

Me: In order not to fog eat, I need to stay connected to myself before I eat. To do that I’d need to think thoughts like this:
• Nothing is too much for me.
• I can handle this immediate moment.
• I don’t need to stop the thinking.
• I can clear the slate without eating.

With thoughts like that I would feel resourceful, confident, competent, and clear. I would stay connected and not fog eat.

Q.E.D.

Oh oh oh – so much easier said than done. What’s standing in my way of changing my thoughts? The belief that fog eating is somehow helpful to me. When pressed, I realized that I have a secret idea that my fog eating is actually productive. Fog eating helps me calm down, press the reset button, rethink my current circumstance and start a-fresh.

Brooke made her move: “With Angela, the best way to coach her is with mockery.”

So she started this list to show just how productive fog eating made me:

Angela’s FOG EATING TO DO LIST
1) Eat without awareness
2) Eat food that doesn’t fuel me
3) Burn time
4) Zap my energy
5) Feel super crappy
6) Beat myself up after

I hated looking at this list, but she’s right. The idea fog eating makes me more productive is total bullshit. I am just hanging on to this thought – this thought that not fog eating is too hard. And there is absolutely no intelligent reason for it.

Here is where Brooke worked her real magic.

“Tell me about MORE SUCCESSFUL ANGELA (MSA). What makes her VP material?"
Oh I rattled off my answers – so many of them where to start? I’m:
• Productive
• Smart
• Efficient
• Organized
• Resourceful
• Make good decisions
• Prioritize
• Put things in order
• Strategic
• The list goes on and on….

I should have known what was coming. What else? A turnaround! She opened it up to the group.

“What’s the opposite of Productive?”
Lazy!

“Smart?”
Stupid.

"Efficient?"
Wasteful…

The list of opposites went on and on with the girls getting more and more animated:

• Scattered
• Clueless
• Bad decisions
• Not ordered
• Mismanaged
• Dumb

Then Brooke asked me:

“Okay Ms. VP, what do you call a not very smart entry level person?”

My answer rolled off the tongue…. “a monkey”

“Great! A DUMB MONKEY I LOVE IT,” Brooke jumped up and down like an animal. “That’s who you are when you fog eat!!! A DUMB MONKEY.”

Is feeding your body food you don’t need or food that’s not right for your body Smart? Efficient? Resourceful? Of course not! In so many areas of my life I am brilliant – oh, but not when it comes to fog eating. When it comes to fueling my body, I’m a dumb monkey. My thoughts have been telling me I can’t stop fog eating and me, little miss argumentative, I just take the orders and stuff my face without questioning for a minute if this thought is serving me. I surrendered myself to my thoughts and believed my thoughts about fog eating were uncontrollable.

So, here are my new thoughts:
• I am so much smarter than fog eating.
• I am so glad I am not a monkey.
• I am never dumb now.
• I never fog eat now.

I am strongly adverse to the idea of being a “dumb monkey” I don’t think it’s at all cute or funny; it’s just a stark reminder of this lie I have been telling myself over and over – that I need to fog eat; that I WANT to fog eat; that I deserve to fog eat.

Fog eating keeps me overweight and being overweight keeps me from my true potential. No chance to fail because I’m holding myself back. Brooke of course tied this all into my career aspirations.

I can hear Marianne Williamson telling me I’m playing small with the universe and so the universe is playing small with me. She’s telling me to show up for my own life.

I want a seat at the big kid’s table so I can make good strategic decisions, but I don’t make good strategic decisions about fog eating in my own life and I AM the president of what one attendee referred to as You, Inc. I am the President and I’m not making good decisions at all.

Imagine there is a board meeting and Lazy, Stupid, Smart and Efficient all show up. Who would I listen to? When I fog eat, I’m taking advice from Lazy and Stupid. Of course I’m not getting to the next level in my career, I can’t even run my own body effectively. There is a chicken and the egg here but it’s kind of irrelevant. If I want to change my life – and for that matter if you want to change yours – you just have to change your thoughts. You can do it now, or later, it really doesn’t matter; but strategically speaking, I recommend the former so you can amortize your joy over a greater number of years.

My Dream Team

I've only recently become an Oprah devotee. Thanks to Tivo, I get my Oprah fix every morning when I get home from the gym. It's a major treat that keeps me motivated in my workouts each day. Someone told me once Oprah had a theory about dream teams and that everyone needs a dream team of their own. At the time that sounded like rich people mumbo-jumbo to me. My chef, maid, hairdresser, and butler... uh, yeah. But recently I realized I have an incredible dream team - I've hired them with care and I am so proud to surround myself with these amazing people.

Brooke Castillo - Weight loss coach extraordinaire Brooke Castillo has been my ferry(wo)man back to me. She helps me connect to my authentic self when it seems my authentic self is living on an island far, far away. She has passed tools of self-awareness on to me that I have no choice but to take with me for the rest of my life - and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Jeanette Eleff - My executive business coach has helped me find my inner leader. No, not the one my mom told me I should be, but the leader of my heart and she is so not what I expected and yet so authentically me. She creates a space where my natural self bubbles to the surface and then helps me name my truth.

Brian Crow - My personal trainer, fitness guru and triathlon coach, Brian, reminds me weekly I am so much stronger than I think I am when he isn't around. He has challenged me to push myself hard consistently because it feels great when you accomplish your goals.

Myriam Davila - The amazing Myriam has been cleaning my house for seven years now. She is sweet, loving, and so much better at cleaning than I am. She keeps my house looking good so I can focus on things I am better at. I'm so lucky to have her in my life!

Jackie & Sibyl from Shapes - I've been going to Shapes Salon & Day Spa for 5 years. Cybil is a new addition to my dream team but she keeps my eye brows from overtaking my face while simultaneously making me laugh in our bi-monthly 20 minute waxing sessions. Jackie is a dream stylist. She cuts and colors my hair, makes me smile, and let's me come back between cuts for touch ups whenever I want.

Dr. Lori Kaler - Yes, my OB/GYN is on my Dream Team. How do I know? I look forward to annual pap smears and feel better, and not worse, after I spend time with her. Her office staff empowers me to take an active role in my health and Dr. Kaler makes me believe a better physical me is always possible. If you are looking for a great OB/GYN in Bethesda, I couldn't recommend her more highly.

Dr. Jezelle Sonnier - I know what you are thinking: "You like your dentist enough to put her on your dream team?" Hell yeah! First of all, I love spending time with Dr. Sonnier because she is stunningly gorgeous to look at - even through safety glasses. She is a New Orleans native with the most stunning Cafe au Lait skin with these cute freckles. She is smart and sassy and best of all, she keeps my teeth healthy without causing me pain. I like that in a dentist.

Who's on your Dream Team? Are you excited when you see them? (If not, they may not be so dreamy...) Do you feel like you HAVE to see them? Like it's a chore or a necessary evil? Or like it's a dream opportunity. Your Dream Team is a reflection of your thoughts and what you believe is possible for you. Put people on your Dream Team consciously. Make sure they are fulfilling the role you want them to and make sure when you spend time with them your authentic self sings.