Becoming Journey

Just Say No to Story Fondling

I'm tired tonight. The walk today just kicked my ass and the thing that makes me feel crappy is that I am not basking in the glow of having worked out hard. I just feel like shit. I can barely remember the afternoon session but that could be because I was distracted. I was thinking about this miracle I performed once where I turned this nasty, horrible co-worker into a love machine just by changing my own thoughts. After the hike it occurred to me that I needed to perform the same miracle on myself in transforming my own self-love situation. I was excited about the fact that I know how to do transformation and confident I could do it.

But in true Brooke style the moment was not to be celebrated for too long. Because tonight we drilled one level down, to love of our spouse. Mercifully, I was not the test case for this evening's exercise. Instead it was this amazing woman M* who has two little girls (3, and 7) and a couch potato husband who is not good company and does not prioritize their family at all. I am sure he is a total loser and a jerk. This, however, was irrelevant to our Brooke.

M*'s question was: "Did I make a mistake marrying my husband?"

Oh girl, there were many of us asking the same question. And Brooke's answer is clear. No you didn't. And you know how we know? BECAUSE YOU MARRIED HIM. Ladies I'm here to tell you, stop arguing with your past and you solve a host of problems. So yes, M* did the right thing in marrying her DH (darling husband). But what now? Should she stay?

Brooke's answer: Don't leave him until you love him.

Confusing? Well here's how the logic goes. You don't love someone for them. It's not a favor. You love someone for you. Love is a generator. If they love you back it's just the gravy - that's not WHY you do it. And, Love is a verb. It's an action you take. A decision you make. You decide to love someone and then you do it. FOR YOURSELF. FULL STOP.

Trying to love someone for his sake is just story fondling. You miss the facts because you get so tied up in the story. So Brooke makes it simple. "Would you RATHER love him or not love him?"

All things being equal - would it feel better to love your husband? So many women in the class were quick to answer. I'd rather not love him and love someone else. Oh yeah? Who? These are YOUR issues he is bring up. Your opportunity to learn these lessons and stay or leave and learn the same lessons with someone else. The goal, says Brooke, is to love your husband and not have him change one thing.

Now, to be clear this doesn't mean you stay. It just means you love him - for YOU. And then, from that place, of total love and total compassion, you make the decision about whether to stay or go.

To help us get there, she's asked us to write a love letter to our husband. One rule, no story fondling. Here's mine.

Dear R*,

When we first met you were a breath of fresh air. And I mean that not in the cliche way, but truly everything about you was fresh, clean, untouched. I loved your innocence, your openness, and your curiosity. Mostly I loved and admired your wild sense of adventure and your passion to create adventure in your own life. And, to be honest, I loved that you brought that in my own life.

I appreciate this about you to this day, even when I try to control those things about you. You are a child of the wind. You go where the spirit blows you, and DAMN it blows you on some crazy journeys. I love how you dive into new subjects you care about and make them your own. I love your passion for new technology and your commitment to shaping a career for yourself that you are wildly in love with.

I'm sorry, that on a day-to-day basis I find it hard to appreciate all the wonderful things about you. I'm sorry, that in the midst of my story fondling I can't celebrate your carefree spirit easily and that I worry about money or other logistics.

You are my best friend. You know me better than anyone. And even though we drive each other crazy, I think we have so much to learn from each other in this unpredictable journey called life. I want us to be back on the road together. To share our adventure story, like Ram and Sita. I want to come out of the forest together both stronger, wiser, and more committed to a miraculous shared truth.

I love you - just the way you are,
Angela