Live-Action Turn Around
When I first starting working with Brooke "Why Can't I Lose Weight" Castillo I was surprised by how little we talked about food and exercise and how much time we spent on thoughts and feelings. "I have a weight problem," I'd say. "You have a thinking problem," she'd respond. So it came to pass that I would spend most of the last year learning to observe my thoughts. Find their connections to my feelings and actions. And learn to turn the thoughts that made me fat into thoughts that lead to me being fit. All that's well and good, but changing your thoughts leads to consequences far beyond weight. When Brooke said I had a thinking problem - I thought she meant my thoughts about food were screwed up but she just meant my thoughts were screwed up.
Changing my thoughts has lead to some interesting work improving my collaboration with co-workers. This week I have been practicing a new technique I learned which is called a "Contrasting Statement" and when I read about it in a book called Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, et al; I really was sure it would not work. The idea is this "When we're aware that something we're about to drop into the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we use a Contrasting statement to bolster safety - even before we see others going to either silence or violence" (80).
It's a two part sentence that goes something like this:
"I don't want your to think X; I do want Y."
The first time I tried this I was shocked... my husband had been watching our son and I knew it was a hard night but was was annoyed and snapped at him about something. Defensiveness (a lack of safety) came into his eyes and I knew we were no longer talking about content:
"I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate how well you took care of Jesse tonight..."
AN INSTANT THAWING!!!!
"I just want us to be able to agree on a bed time for him that is consistent."
FINE. DONE! No Fighting!!!
I took the technique to work. A co-worker proposed a new program that I had some suggestions for but didn't want to come off as too heavy handed.
"I don't want you to think for an instant that I don't recognize the thought and care that went into developing this program."
BAM! Resistance down, ears open.
"I just want to make sure that we are clear about who are constituencies are an what each of them needs."
DONE! Mutual Goal agreed on! Progress!!!
The first few times I tried this technique I felt like an 8 year old with no front teeth; awkward, uncomfortable, totally out of my element. But every time I have practices it, I am shocked by the effectiveness of this simple technique.
Even today our company President was discussing a new process and I had an idea I wanted to contribute a perspective I thought he was missing but I knew he'd be sensitive to the suggestion:
"I don't want you to think I am missing all the work and the lengths you are going to to include everyone in this emerging process;"
Listening...
"I just want to make sure you have considered this from the customer's perspective"
HICCUP - that was my goal not a mutual one.... ears still on but defense creeping in.
"To clarify, I want to make sure we develop a consistent process where we can make sure we are learning everything we can from our customers."
SIGH - agreement on a mutual goal and a clear commitment to seek a mutual purpose.
I know it might not seem like this has much to do with weight loss - but weight loss is a symptom of right thinking (when you are overweight anyway). This type of work on creating harmony and clarity is a key to happiness with the present moment. And what's so great is that it actually works and it's so easy!
