Becoming Journey

Unwilling to Be Coached

Brooke told me I was unwilling to be coached today. She’s never said it before and I guess I was stung and stuck by it; but I believe in Brooke and her coaching style and I don’t think she’d say that if it weren’t true.

I’ve been asking myself all night if that thought is true – was I unwilling to be coached. Somehow I know the answer is yes but I can’t see my way through my story to that truth.

On the Ropes Course, I went half way up a pole. It was so much harder physically than I expected. I wasn’t scared, but I was discouraged I wasn’t as fit as I thought I was. Still from the moment I said I couldn’t do it, I took 3 more steps. When I was lowered down I felt great for pushing myself beyond what I thought possible and then Brooke reminded me my weight made this challenge harder. I had fantastic thoughts of my success.

Then in a coaching session, Brooke said she believed I could have climbed up the pole 5 times and the only reason I couldn’t was my thought I couldn’t.

“What do you think you would have done if you didn’t have the thought you couldn’t do it?”

“I guess I’d keep going until I threw up, passed out, or made it to the top.”

Brooke pressed on – what if you didn’t have the thought you might throw up or pass out.
We ended up locked in an argument that ended with Brooke kinda giving up with me. At least that’s how it felt.

“Your thought is – I couldn’t make it up the pole and that thought makes you happy because it makes you feel right. So we are going to let you keep it.”

With that the coaching session was cut short. I’ve never seen her do this to anyone before and it really took my breath away as I tried to figure out what I made that mean. My first thoughts were really painful – Brooke doesn’t believe in me. I am not worth believing in. Brooke doesn’t understand me. Brooke is being difficult. I am sick of this work and I’m just going to quit – that’ll show her. The thoughts kept coming. (Reread now with the turnarounds in place – I don’t believe in myself. I am worth believing in. I don’t understand Brooke. I am being difficult. – these were some pretty spot on thoughts.)

Jennifer was her typical brilliant and generous self letting me go on and on about it but not letting me get too deep into my own story before bringing me back to the work.

“What’s the lesson here?” “How can you turn this around?” “What if you were at your physical limit? What does that mean to you?”

I processed her questions and my own until I remembered how the conversation started…. It was about separating circumstance from thought. I was saying I was good at that now and so

Brooke asked me what the circumstance was on the pole. “I was at my physical limit.”

“Nope,” said Brooke. “You could have made it to the top. Your thought stopped you.”

I couldn’t see that at all last night. But this morning I see it’s true. I could have made it to the top. My thought stopped me. This idea – the idea I could have made it to the top was hard for me to get to because in the coaching session it felt very painful because it caused the thought, I’m a failure. But that thought, ‘I could have made it to the top’ is actually very exciting good news. If I can get my head out of the way, I can make it to the top. I was not determined and here’s how I know, I never asked myself to dig deep. I never asked myself to find the strength to keep going. When Brooke gave me the option to go one more step and come down, I took it. I gave her the power to limit me because the fact was I wanted to be limited. I didn’t want to keep going.

There have been times in my life when I’ve been so focused on something that nothing could stop me, but climbing up that pole was not one of those times. Now, I was physically exhausted, I was hungry, I was in pain; there were lots of circumstances conspiring against me being focused, but that’s like life.

Knowing I could have made it to the top and didn’t make it there could mean I failed, but it doesn’t to me. To me it means I met the limits of my thoughts; and the great news is I am only a thought away from the top of that pole.